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Poetry, the Art of 
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Executioner
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Hey everyone,

Recently, I've been putting a lot of time into writing. I discovered the art of poetry, and now I'm pretty addicted to it. I write about my life, love, religion, and universal poems. I don't know if anyone here is interested in my writings, but I'm going to give it a try. If it's ugly: tell me and I'll stop; If it's good: tell me and I might post more;

This is a poem that I wrote back in september, when I was going trough a rough time. The weather reflected my mood well, and I wrote a poem about it. I had some help by Silas (to adapt some flaws in my grammar), and I'm happy with the result:

Autumn 3:

"There is no house, no-one in where I live
Smoke lingering through the room, tossed out by old shadows
A ghost, like I was dead long ago
The name I was born to that binds me to this earth
From the window I'm attacked by the North
Shivering, until the white is clearly frozen

I love my life

In everything that's lonely, I escape time
Light - the one thing that makes being visible impossible
you doubt wether or not I can exist in this way
Alone chosen by nobody

The sun has lost my tears and doubts
leave me, let me go slowly"

I've posted this on another forum too (and received good credits), but I believe that the people here might appreciate it more. Have a fun reading time !


Mon Nov 13, 2006 5:00 pm
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Blasphemer and Heretic
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OK, let's see if this makes sense. And please realize that I'm only critiquing because I like it.

The emotional aspect comes through very clearly. You get the "feel" across very well. However, it seems that the emotion is all that you are communicating. If that was your intent, then you're done.

But to me it's lacking a connection. It's like a reflection in a mirror or watching someone from a distance. I sense the emotion but I don't empathize in return, which I think would make for a more powerful piece.

Maybe I'm just jaded, though.

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Mon Nov 13, 2006 6:18 pm
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I'm not taking any offence. I'm happy to get some constructive criticism.

I understand that you don't get the instant connection, but that's probably because this poem was really all about me. Writing this was like therapy for me, and isn't representative of my other poems. I didn't really cared for writing something that appeals to other people, I wanted to put my deepest emotions in it, to be lifted by the loss of some burden.

I'll post another poem when I have the time, one that is more universal and that can appeal to a larger public. I posted this because I really liked it, and I'm searching for people who can help me improving my writing style.


Mon Nov 13, 2006 6:56 pm
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Executioner
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Angelique said:
Quote:
I understand that you don't get the instant connection, but that's probably because this poem was really all about me. Writing this was like therapy for me, and isn't representative of my other poems. I didn't really cared for writing something that appeals to other people, I wanted to put my deepest emotions in it, to be lifted by the loss of some burden.


Yeah, maybe im wrong, but thats kinda what poetry is all about, atleast for me. Its meant to show emotion, passion, and is meant to help you communicate something that may be too difficult to talk about with just speech. Well hey maybe im off my cake, as Willy Russel would say (Loooong story, most of you probably dont know who he is).

On to the poem itself. It sounds good, i think it is quite easy to relate to. Some parts i didn't get, but hey, forgive!

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Mon Nov 13, 2006 7:07 pm
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Malekith's Best Friend
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poetry is probably one of the best ways you can vent and give yourself therapy. Unlike everything else in venting and therapy it doesn't have to be very long but it's just as intense.

i've been writing poetry since i was 13 and lord do i love it. this poem itself is nice. until i'm asked to critique i won't but this is just a nice emotional poem.

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Mon Nov 13, 2006 7:37 pm
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Angelique wrote:
I'll post another poem when I have the time, one that is more universal and that can appeal to a larger public. I posted this because I really liked it, and I'm searching for people who can help me improving my writing style.
Don't get me wrong. I certainly wasn't intending to suggest that you try to go mainstream. I was only saying that you might reach out and go for more connection with your readers. Your work is beautiful, eloquent and emotionally charged. It would make it that much more powerful if you could evoke that emotion within your readers.

At least that's my two cents.

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Mon Nov 13, 2006 8:51 pm
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There is no right, and no wrong with poetry. (I hated one of my High School teachers because she tried to correct my poems)

I too have been known to write prose in times of great difficulty (or occasionally boredom), and yet most of the time I haven't used standard conventions, and yet it is still poetry.

The poem you've posted Angelique is a beautiful piece that, to me at least, conveys a great deal.

Would you mind if I posted one of my poems?

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Mon Nov 13, 2006 10:51 pm
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That poem is good considering you are not from a fluent English speaking background.

I think any poem that makes you visualise something is good.

I could see a very grey and pale room with black and white smoke lingering through it...with a young lady on a couch behind the smoke as if she was hiding. The windows outside were also very bright and white in contrast....

I think this poem is about someone who is depressed and hiding in the house.

Perhaps the Ghost represents someone that is holding you back?

I myself started writing alot after I had a few bad experiences...

I find it is a good to get out those bad feelings in the gut and to make something constructive out of negative feelings.

I write alot so let me know if you want help.

Maesonary@hotmail.com

Get in touch...we can share some words of art...

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Tue Nov 14, 2006 6:43 am
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Thanks for the replies, guys. Scott can post his poems of course, I'd love to read them.

The subject of the poem was of course my feelings at that time, and they were represented by the changing weather at that time (summer>autumn), so I incorporated some of these elements into the poem.

This a poem I wrote in retrospect of my experience at the time:



"Curling in incomprehension
from the twigs heart torn
doomed to whirl
as a plaything in the hurricane
of my heart

breaking leaves
kicked through windy emotions
coagulating against obstacles
pulverized through the power
into the black hole of nothing

the once vital,
green leaf
pulverized into thousand pieces"

I looked back at that unique event, and I wrote some more about it. I used an autumn leaf as the subject in my poem, since I like to incorporate elements from Mother Earth in my poems. They're a great inspiration. My next poem will deal with my current situation, and it'll be far more brighter, lighter and happier :P !


Tue Nov 14, 2006 11:54 am
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I quite liked the first one but I'm not to sure on the second. I write my own poetry myself mostly out of bordedom at college.

I however rarely write to express feelings but for the sheer joy of creation. They don't always come off as I tend to pick something I've scene, read, heard and create around it or pick something completely at random.

Anything from a feather floating in the wind outside a supermarket to a man to intoxicated/ill/high (I never decided which) to realise he's beaten his wife to death.

I wouldn't say I'm that good, despite the fact that I'm constantly told I am, but I'll continue writing them.

I look forward to your next one!

One last thing. Since this thread is called 'Poetry, Art of' I was wondering if it could be turned into a thread for the poets on this board? I myself wouldn't mind somebody who writes poetry (or not) to critique my work.

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Yaj


Tue Nov 14, 2006 12:23 pm
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I think I'll post two of my poems (my favourite two), because when it comes to choosing between them, I can't. Each was written at (kind of) opposite ends of my spectrum; confused and focused, and comfortably, happily dazed....if that makes any sense to anyone else.

I wrote this first poem at a time when I was unsure of who I was, and what my purpose in life was. I was sitting under a tree in a garden when it found it's way onto my notepad. It didn't really help me at all, but it allowed me to express. My parent's were of course a little concerned by the topic, but didn't carry through with the threat of a therapist...thankfully.
Multiple Personality Disorder

MPD is an art form,
Where you paint with broken brush.
The Picture a shattered mirror,
A different face in each shard.

Each shard a different person,
But still the same old face.
Always constant turmoil,
To see which has top place.

The shard that’s in control,
Tells you what to do.
That face makes the person,
But is that person you?


Sometimes holidays can be wonderful, sometimes not so good; but a summer romance is always a good thing. I only knew the girl who inspired this for a week, but it was a wonderful week. She didn't have green eyes, but brown, as a color, is difficult to write about...
Emeralds

Those emerald eyes
Saw into my soul
Drowned me in their depth.

There was perfection
I was home
In those twin green pools.

I struggled to rise
From the peace
Of her lovely eyes.

They held me close
Would not let go
Drained my will to leave.

I was theirs
My life they owned
And gave reason to live.

She was the one
I was told
By those emerald eyes.

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Tue Nov 14, 2006 12:33 pm
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Executioner
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I really like the first one. It's a great poem about a problem, and it has a certain rythim in it. Luckily your parents didn't take it too heavy. Very nice poem.

I'm not too sure about the second one. It's good, but I don't feel a direct connection to it, probably because I never pay much attention at eyes, but I feel what you're talking about. I just can't find myself in it, but that's completely personal. Apart from personal taste, I think it's very passionate and romantic.


Wed Nov 15, 2006 12:00 pm
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Angelique wrote:
...I never pay much attention at eyes...
There's a famous old saying that suits (which probably explains why I love looking into a person's eyes...)
but Da Vinci expanded upon it beautifully...

"The eye is the window of the soul...
Now do you not see that the eye embraces the beauty of the whole world?
... It counsels and corrects all the arts of mankind...
It has measured the distances and sizes of the stars;
it has discovered the elements and their location..."

I do have to admit though, that the poem "Emeralds" was a constructed piece, not an emotionally instinctual piece, like "Multiple Personality Disorder" was.

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Wed Nov 15, 2006 12:19 pm
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This poem was written on one of my holidays. It's very relaxed, and I tried to capture the feel I had at that time, incorporating my personal experiences, yet I wanted to keep an universal feel so everyone could recognise something in it:

Finestrat:

"We were lying in our bed of afternoon sun
Away from each connection
Banished from each history.

Birds were flying from our mind
The skin that was attached to our bodies, loosened
We flew out of, over each other
As we became sea, swimming without hands.

And on the Chosen beach
Angels were waiting for us
With flowers, sunshine and the Loved."


I know that quote :) ! Yes, you're right. I just meant that I would never be able to write a poem all about ones eyes (unless they were her most remarkable feature), I would focus on other aspects of her too.

Hey, I'm very happy to see that I'm starting to read poems better. Very funny !

When you want to add something to a thread, and your post was the latest, remember to use the EDIT button instead of posting two times in a row. Edited your message into your first post.

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Belial. - Why didn't you just put this in the first comment and delete the second? *sighs*
Moved Belial.'s edit in to the first post :)
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Wed Nov 15, 2006 12:20 pm
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Hard, but Fair
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Whenever the sun shines
She paints my face in smiles
And again, and again
Oblivious to it all
All but the sun,
which is but a reflection
of you.

And when you fade
there you are again
And again, and again
She is the summer's day
And the child's laughter
And again, I must

Again, and

Say that nothing is mine.

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Wed Nov 15, 2006 1:49 pm
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Impressive, very impressive Damnation. Does it have a title?

Heres two of my humble attempts.

Winters Eyes

Not for you
Shall winters eyes shine
But thy shall not weep
Nor give voice to tears
When clouds will not
Give voice to mine
So shall heaven’s shadow
Wane through hills and rivers
Forests and lakes
To the door
Which encloses you
My love
And there shall it open
To the fulfilment of my vows
Said long ago and then forgot
By you, my love
And there upon
A rose filled path
Shall I have my vengeance.

Fair Roma

It was on a Sunday afternoon
When she came riding by
Upon a dapple grey horse
I asked her whence she came
From fair Roma, she replied
How come you by this route?
She answered with a smile
And swiftly went a trot

Felt so pleased I alighted
Swiftly home to tell
My comely wife
of such a fine sight
Though I still felt
The ladies breath
Upon my face
Which I took to be
Quite strange
But so happy to see
My wife did lest
Forget this strangeness

Upon my loving embrace
Wife alighted in
Fearful grace
Asked why she fled
Replied with a mirror
Of ashen frame
To which consumed
My face with horrors
For a pestilence
Had visited itself
Upon me and I did
Weep that I should
Be allowed to see
Deaths splendid face
Only once
Only once

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Yaj


Thu Nov 16, 2006 10:58 am
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@Yaj: I was particularly taken back by your second poem. It does not resemble the way people write poems today, but reminded me of some old english poems I have read in my english class. Very interesting.


Thu Nov 16, 2006 6:54 pm
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Cold One Knight
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I was reading a book on the Black Death and there was some examples of old style poetry and I thought I'd give it a crack. I try and do something different with every poem I write although I don't always succeed

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Yaj


Fri Nov 17, 2006 9:44 am
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These are short, rather sarcastic poems I wrote when I heard of a terrible accident. On the 14th of februari 1941, 35 children drowned in a river in Godsheide when their schoolbus toppled over. I was asked by someone (who had read my poems on another forum) to write about it. I was pretty devastated by this...a whole generation (Godsheide is only a small village, nearly all the children from the village were in it) dissappeared completely. I looked after more information on the accident, and ended up writing two poems about it:


"Come child, come -
Give me your skin, I'll fill it up with air -
So my Angels have a doll to play with

Come little child, quick -
So I can spoil my Angels"




"Their bodies lay in the snow to watch -
Death had qualities, had been generous that day.
Buying two, paying one -

Counting is knowing, is what God should've thought -
And he counted on his fingers
That's one, that's two, that's three and that...
Are thirty-five in one river"


Fri Nov 17, 2006 4:32 pm
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Hm. Different way to go at such a tragedy, but do you not fear that you might be mistaken for someone being careless about the incident? I think the second one might be prone to a misunderstanding.


Fri Nov 17, 2006 7:56 pm
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These poems are sarcastic. I'm not an anti-christ, but I was wondering why God (if he truly is there) lets those things happen. I wrote it from that point of view, and the result is a rather sarcastic, critical view on God, and I'm pretty happy with the result.
Of course, I could've written a very sad poem but that wouldn't have been right for me. It's right to mourn, but I wanted to do more with this. It was an awful accident, and I took this as an example for other horrors that are going on today (in a time conservative views on society are rising again) and to criticise them.


Fri Nov 17, 2006 8:13 pm
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The Devil in Pale Moonlight
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I for one found them rather clever. Both feel dirty and quite sadistic touch to it... so well written, angel.

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Fri Nov 17, 2006 8:21 pm
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That's a good poem, Angelique. The only thing I really have a problem with, is "That... are thirtyfive" in the last quatrin (spelling? kwatrijn in Dutch), I just find it very aggravating to read.

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Fri Nov 17, 2006 8:51 pm
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Executioner
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I don't understand your problem with the last 'kwatrijn' :) ? It says:
...and that...are thirty-five in one river." I didn't found any other suitable word to replace it with, but the most important thing is that the message is intact.


Fri Nov 17, 2006 9:11 pm
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Angelique wrote:
These poems are sarcastic. I'm not an anti-christ, but I was wondering why God (if he truly is there) lets those things happen. I wrote it from that point of view, and the result is a rather sarcastic, critical view on God, and I'm pretty happy with the result.
Of course, I could've written a very sad poem but that wouldn't have been right for me. It's right to mourn, but I wanted to do more with this. It was an awful accident, and I took this as an example for other horrors that are going on today (in a time conservative views on society are rising again) and to criticise them.

I think you misunderstood me(I realize I was an ass of explaining what I ment). I ment whether you wre afraid if people would think you did not care much for the episode, made it trivial.


Fri Nov 17, 2006 9:55 pm
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