For Hellebrons Favor

[Marik dark-snake]

Hi

I have alot of free time on my hands at the moment and wanted some fluff for my character Marik Kalenth of Ghrond (a.k.a. Marik Dark-Snake).
This is the first time I've ever written a story like this so please tell me what you think and if you liked it please recommend it to others, I would like to their thought.
p.s. For those who dont know a drannach is the druchii spear and a draich is a great sword. Now on with the story:
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The chatter amongst the spectators of the arena was loud and vibrant. The people of Ghrond were excited and anxious at the same time. This would be a great spectacle to behold, yet it was the sons of the two most powerful highborn of Ghrond putting their lives on the line to impress Hellebron. Morieurl, lord of Ghrond sat next to Hellebron's informant in Ghrond, awaiting for his son Marik to walk on to the sands of the arena. His brother, Moriek sat on the other side of the hag queens throne. Both were very nervous, as by the end of the day, one of them would have lost an heir.

The gong for the warriors to come forth was sounded. Marik strode forth. He wore little armour, except for a helm, a breast plate and shoulder pauldrons, armoured boots, a pair of vambraces and his sea cloak given to him by his mentor. His cousin, Roriekh, whom he was about to face was armoured rather in the liking of an executioner of Har Ganeth. The two approached the centre of the arena, where a weapons-master was awaiting them.

“The contestants shall now call out the weapon of their choice!” the grizzled warrior bellowed to the audience. Marik was first to choose. “I choose the Drannach” he proclaimed bluntly. “Then I shall choose the Draich” Roriekh replied. “Very well.” The weapons-master gestured to the east entrance and two enslaved dhoine hobbled through, whipped along by the beast master behind them. One was bearing Mariks Drannach, the other with Roriekhs Draich. The hairy one with Mariks weapon stumbled and fell into him. Marik kicked the slave to the floor with a look of disgust, causing the human to whimper. Hellebron under-study and the rest of the audience let out a brief chuckle. The pathetic prisoner hurried to his feet. Marik snatched his Drannach from the fool. Roriekh let out a grin and took his weapon from his slave. The two the turned to face their slave, and plunged their weapon into their humans heart. The two warriors cried out the incantation of Khaine, “Khaela Furdiekh Mensha Farmiekh Khaine!”. They withdrew their weapons from the ribcage of their slave and anointed themselves with the blood on their weapon. The witch elf hag gave a disturbing grin and licked her rose red lips.

The two nobles took three paces back and about turned to face each other. As the bodies of the slaves were carried away, the gong was sounded for combat to begin.

Roriekh made the first move, pouncing at Marik like panther. Marik easily blocked the attack and replied with a slash at the knees but it was parried. Marik made an attempt at a thrust to his cousins shoulder but this was deflected faster than his previous blow. Roriekh made an attempt to decapitate Marik but this was easily deflected. This was getting tedious. Roriekh leapt at Marik another time with more force. Marik was forced onto his back with the blade of his weapon still locked with his cousins. Gathering his strength, Marik managed to push his opponent off. Roriekh remained on the floor paralyzed with shock, he thought he had him. This gave Marik an opening. He lunged forward with all his might. The entire audience edged forwards in anticipation.

Just at the last second, Roriekh delivered a blow to Mariks shoulder making him give out a loud grunt and knocking his pauldron straight off. It had saved his life. Marik could feel a small trickle of blood flow down his shoulder. The blow had given him a very minor wound.

As the two warriors brought themselves to their feet, Marik was still very dazed from the hard blow he had received. Roriekh saw an opportunity to strike. Charging his cousin with frightening speed, he raised his great sword above his head and brought it down swiftly. The father of Marik flinched and the crowd gasped, followed by the clang of metal. Marik had blocked it. No one had expeted him to be able to block such an aggresive blow from such a heavy weapon. Marik was kneeling with the shaft of his Drannach stopping his opponents blade in its tracks. But Roriekhs blade was edging closer and closer to Mariks face. It was a dead lock and some one had to give and it looked like it would be fair Marik. The slender elf hag edged closer in her seat, she could see some thing in the eyes of fair Marik. But what?

Marik had to do something but he didn’t know what he could do. Then he saw it.

Roriekhs thigh was unarmoured and unprotected.

Marik hatched an idea in his head. It was risky but better than awaiting his doom. With one arm still on his weapon, Marik drove the spines of his vambraces into his cousins into the inside of his cousins left thigh. If he was lucky he would hit the major artery with in the leg. Roriekh howled in pain and drove down his blade and swept it across Mariks face.
A small amount of blood trickled down Mariks fair features. But much more of the red liquid gushed from Roriekhs thigh. Marik had hit the artery. Whilst Roriekh was clutching his wound, Marik thrust the tip of his Drannach into his cousins heart. Roriekh gave out a painful grunt. And turned round to look into the eyes of his killer. He saw pleasure in the eyes of Marik and a wide grin across his face. This look of distinct and twisted pleasure grew wider as he watched the blood overflow from Roriekhs mouth and the gargling sound that followed.

Marik withdrew the blade and Roriekhs limp body flopped to the floor. Marik knelt down to his cousins body and plunged his hand down into Roriekhs chest. Roriekh was still vaguely alive and his eyes bulged with the agony that he was feeling. Marik rummaged in his cousins chest until he found what he was looking for and ripped out the heart of his cousin. Marik lifted the organ above his head and squeezed it of the blood within it. He drank deeply from the heart and could feel the very essence of Khaine flow through him. He squeezed the heart until it was pulp in his palm, when he then threw it onto his cousin chest.

With the jaws of the spectators agape Hellebrons servant rose from her seat and strode towards the victor gracefully clapping her hands. She approached the bloody noble and licked the blood that had escaped Mariks lips from his face. “Exquisite” she whispered to him. She then strode towards the west exit and gestured for him to follow her. Marik didn’t know what the hag queen had in mind, but whatever it was, he prayed to Khaine it wouldn’t hurt too much.

[Tijminator]

Sounds cool.
Especially for a first try its very good. I liked how you described the duel, though i doubt i would like Helleborn licking my face.

Keep trying, it's cool.

Tijminator

[Marik dark-snake]

thanks... I just could'nt help myself with the face licking

._
( o)>
( )) Should I get rid of the face licking?
mm
[_] Also, should I write more about Marik?

Mod Edit: I don't know how many times you've been told not to do this Marik, but we're serious: Do not double post! Please edit your first one if you find you have something more to say ~ Fingol

[Fingol darkwater]

The weapons-master gestured to the east entrance and two enslaved man-things hobbled through

We're not Skaven. After a long discussion, we came to the conclusion that the closest word that the Druchii would use for the lesser races would be the old Gaelic word dhione.

whipped along by the beast master behind them.

If they're to be in Crone Hellebron's presence one would think that they'd be obedient enough to only require a flick of the wrist to get the job done. But it's your call.

Marik was forced onto his back with the blade of his weapon still locked with his cousins

Marik has a spear, not a sword. I'd change blade to shaft (a cookie to whoever gets that movie reference )

The aciton sequence was pretty good, plus it's always nice to read about those loyal to the Temple.

[Marik dark-snake]

right, thanks for the advice about the dhoine, I'ts just that MAN-THINGS is the only word I've seen used for humans on this site, and also, It was the type of drannach with a big blade on the end but if you think it would be better used as shaft then ok

[Drainial]

I think that it might be better if they used to cerimonial weapons described in the army book, I can spell them so I wont try but its in there. The fighting was described well and the whole thing was quite a good and exiting short story.

[Marik dark-snake]

i was thinking of using those weapons but decided not to as i didnt feel that this was the right time to use them(dont know why, just didnt feel right).however if i make more stories, im thinking of writing a story where Marik makes a mistake on the battle field and his older brother chalenges him to a duel to take command of the armies of ghrond.

[General kala]

Actually, I kind of like the idea that the death blow was dealt with the vambrace blades. I think that they are one of the most underestimated tool in the druchii bag of tricks, storywise. Plus, I got the impression that this was less a ceremonial duel as a gladiatorial event for the pleasure of Hellebron. The fact that there was a family political rivalry playing out was kind of secondary.

Your writing style could use a bit of refinement, but it is a great story for a first try. Allow me to offer some critique.

First off, try to break up the long paragraphs. The last paragraph was where the story came to a peak. But it lost a lot of its flow as you were forced to begin picking out the individual sentences from the big paragraph block. Small, digestible chunks are always easier to keep the flow of the story moving, particularly where you are going for high intensity. Also, separating out a smaller segment places more emphasis.

Careful with "purple prose". I know that I am particularly prone to this as well. But it is not always necessary to embellish every action with excessive description. When you are proofreading your story, ask yourself if the descriptive language is excessive. If it isn't essential to the mood you are trying to set, remove it and read it again. You can always put it back into place.

For example, consider the following segments:

The two approached the centre of the arena, where a weapons-master was awaiting them. “The contestants shall now call out the weapon of their choice!” the grizzled warrior bellowed to the audience. Marik was first to choose. “I choose the Drannach” he proclaimed bluntly. “Then I shall choose the Draich” Roriekh replied. “Very well.” The weapons-master gestured to the east entrance and two enslaved man-things hobbled through, whipped along by the beast master behind them. One was bearing Mariks Drannach, the other with Roriekhs Draich.

The two approached the centre of the arena, where a grizzled weapons-master was awaiting them. “The contestants shall now call out the weapon of their choice!” he bellowed to the audience.

“I choose the Drannach” Marik proclaimed.

“Then I shall choose the Draich” Roriekh replied.

The weapons-master gestured to the east entrance. Two human slaves hobbled through, whipped along by their Beastmaster. One was bearing Mariks Drannach, the other carried Roriekhs Draich.

They're both saying the same thing, but the subtle differences make the second one easier to read and follow. Also, the words of the main characters now carry slightly more weight. The weapons-master is reduced to little more than a prop, and doesn't steal the scene as much.

There are a few fluff nitpicks as well, if you don't mind. Most significantly, Crone Hellebron is not at all like Morathi. Since she doesn't have access to the one true Cauldron, the beautifying effects of bathing in blood are growing thin on her. She is a hideous old hag 90% of the time.

Check it out -
http://us.games-workshop.com/games/warh ... lebron.htm

This is probably why people are a little freaked about Hellebron licking the victor and taking him aside. It's like being licked and propositioned by a psychotic great-grandmother.

Also, Hellebron is probably not someone who would attend a public event just for her attention. She's not very friendly or eager to be seen and admired. Her political power comes purely from the Temple's influence. If you will excuse the modern day comparisons, she isn't like a rock star. She's more like O'Brien from 1984 - monitoring your life through informants and enforcing your patriotism. She's not someone you would want to meet - ever.

But even though it is a little rough cut, it's a good story. It has a good premise at the root, stays pretty much in Druchii character and is short and sweet.



Fingol - Keep in mind that Drannach are not exactly spears. They are designed with hooks and catchpoints for the very purpose of entangling the enemy's blade. Plus, polearms are always used blade-first to extend striking range. Don't believe in the Hollywood "kayak paddle" style of fighting with a polearm. If you have to defend with the shaft, then you are in desperation mode and are likely already screwed.

[Tethlis]

Roriekhs thigh was enamoured and unprotected.

Enamoured? I assume unarmoured was what you were going for?

I second General Kala's advice. Be cautious not to use too many adjectives, as they detract from the overall quality of the piece. Use the actions of the characters to indicate their feelings, emotions, and surroundings.

Otherwise, it's a fun piece. The face-licking is a fun detail, but Hellebron's condition certainly alters its meaning. Perhaps the face licking could be done by one of Hellebron's direct servants, who has come to test the worthiness of these two individuals on Hellebron's behalf?

[Marik dark-snake]

Thanks for the fantastic advice kala. And thats a good idea Tethlis I'll do some modifying change "enamoured" to what it should be and the face-licking will be done by a lesser hag servant of Hellebron.

I'm also glad someone got the idea about the duel as more gladitorial than ritual.

And also, I'm glad you liked the sneaky attack with the vambraces. Its this sort of thing that later lands him the title Marik "Dark-Snake".

Now the question is, shall I post more stories?

[Tethlis]

It's always interesting to see other people's fiction, so write up more if you have it. I've been digging my way through the Cult versus Temple fluff, trying to cobble together a storyline for my Slaanesh warband.

I would be interested to see the narrative continued. What happens to the character in Hellebron's presence? Does she dispatch him on a mission that can't be conducted by the Temple's assassins? You have a good foundation to elaborate on.

[Fingol darkwater]

Now the question is, shall I post more stories?

Go for it. Nobody's stoping you.

Fingol - Keep in mind that Drannach are not exactly spears. They are designed with hooks and catchpoints for the very purpose of entangling the enemy's blade. Plus, polearms are always used blade-first to extend striking range. Don't believe in the Hollywood "kayak paddle" style of fighting with a polearm. If you have to defend with the shaft, then you are in desperation mode and are likely already screwed.

I did consider that, but the other guy was using a Draich and had the Drannach wielder on the run. I simply thought six feet of pure force would be too much for any fancy blade-stopping hook to handle if he already created the opening necessary to launch such a straightforward attack.

[General kala]

Fingol - Good point. But the wooden shaft would stand even less of a chance to stop it. He'd do the classic 'Excalibur slicing through Lancelot's sword' scene.

Marik - You shouldn't want or need our approval or encouragement for your creative endeavors. If you write more, write for the joy of it. You'll produce better work like that. Trust me, if you feel like you are "supposed" to write more, it won't be as good. So write when the muse takes you.

[Marik dark-snake]

@Fingol- hmm... good point about the draich, but what else is he supposed to block with?

@Kala+Fingol- I know I shouldn't ask if wether I should, its just I like to know if other people would want to read more of my stories is the reason i ask

[General kala]

The only way to find out is to do it and see.

[Marik dark-snake]

s'ppose your right