Dark elf and Beastmen Short story

[Coryl99]

Hope you like it first attempt at a short story so please be nice

Dominic the Head taker could see the foolish beasts across the field at the edge of their vile wood. He saw their disgusting fur and vile banners and wanted to destroy them even more. He patted he cold one on the head and signaled to Rufius, the knights musician, to blow the rank up signal. He watched as his regiment, Tide of Destruction, got into position around him and his huge banner depicting the heraldry Daria the Supreme Sorceress. Each elf around him was armed with the deadliest array or weapons Ghrond had to offer. Each of them had the most wicked hate in their eyes. Just as the Beastmen started to emerge from the forest, and into the open ground in front of them, Dominic signaled the charge.

Dominic always loved the feel of the charge, horn blowing, knights lowering their lances, and the cold one excitement for the soon to come meal! They charged forward, the Beastmen seeing this wave of destruction, looked like they wanted to turn and run, but their massive leader yelled a berserk scream and challenged Dominic. Dominic responding to this challenge, lowered his lance directly at the heart of the massive brute.

The knight's charge finally hit home. Dominic could hear the lance punching through skin and armor with ease and hear the lovely screams of Beastmen who were mortally wounder, he heard the cold one's chomping through bone and feasting on these fools. He felt his lance smash through the chest of the huge beast who challenged him. The sneer on the things face turned to surprise and Dominic dropped his trapped lance and drew his gold hilted sword. He executed the beast, while his cold one bit hungrily at it's legs. At this, the remaining Beastmen turned and ran like coward slaves. Without needing to be spurred on the cold ones loped after their meals. Dominic hung back and found the head the head of their leader and tied it to his glorious banner, he thought to himself," What pathetic fools."

thanks for reading! please leave your thoughts!

[Drainial]

First off I would say that this belongs in Druchii history, but pushing past that...

I have several points, first and most important is this, it is far too short. The first thing anyone learns about creative writing in primary school is that a story needs a beginning, middle and an end; you have middle and a short one at that.

Second, not unconnected to the first, the story is far too simple; there is no challenge or real opposition.

Third, the main character has no depth; he is just evil elf X, right off the production line.

Fourth, and this is really more of a personal point, the adjective 'fools' is used far too much, you need to try some diversity and in any case it is used by too many writers to try and make their work seem olde worlde and has become (to my mind at least) the mark of a writer trying too hard.

Not all that is not to say that it is bad, your descriptive skills are good, but it needs a great deal of polishing. I respect anyone willing to give writing a go, and I doubly respect anyone willing to show their writing to others. So try again with a longer story, a plotline and a three dimensional character.

[Coryl99]

hmm thank you for your thoughts. I will add to it in my note book.

Your advice is helpful thanks for reading.

[Iyagd]

First off I would say that this belongs in Druchii history, but pushing past that...

Right. Moved.