Syjahel's List

Got something to talk about? Be it video games, other tabletop or card games, even random stuff - this is the place to post!

Moderator: The Dread Knights

User avatar
Syjahel
Malekith's Best Friend
Posts: 1269
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2009 3:15 am
Location: UK

Syjahel's List

Post by Syjahel »

It was a very, very, very boring day at work, and I was thinking of Skippy's List. So ... here are the 213 Things Syjahel is Not Allowed to do in the Witch King's Army.


213 Things Syjahel is Not Allowed to do in the Witch King's Army

+ Not allowed to coat your superior officer's privy seat with vrasha.

+ Even if said superior is a Cold One Knight.

+ Not allowed to laugh when anyone uses the acronym for Cold One Knight.

+ Not allowed to claim I have 'secret special orders from Morathi'.

+ Not allowed to claim I received these orders in a dream.

+ Not allowed to refuse to divulge these 'secret special orders' to my superior officer "because he might be Shadowblade".

+ Not allowed to tell new recruits that Dragon's Fire tastes like candy.

+ Not allowed to blame any resulting deaths from the above on 'patriotic pride', 'religious fervour' or 'natural selection'.

+ Even if the last above is true, in a way.

+ Not allowed to barter the sexual favours of subordinates for personal gain.

+ Not allowed to barter the sexual favours of superiors for personal gain.

+ Not allowed to barter sexual favours, full stop.

+ Even if it is "Slaanesh's birthday".

+ Not allowed to dress as a Witch Elf on parade.

+ Even if it is Death Night, and you want "to make your commanding officer from Ghrond feel more at home".

+ Not allowed to dress as a Witch Elf off duty.

+ Even if it is "Khaine's birthday".

+ Not allowed to put lipstick on your commanding officer's Cold One.

+ Not allowed to dare Autarii Scouts to lick a Cold One.

+ No marching cadence may rhyme "Malekith's Mother" with "significant other".

+ Morathi, Malekith and Hellebron have not been replaced by lizardmen in disguise.

+ There is no lizardman conspiracy.

EDIT:

+ Shadowblade is not to be referred to as "Hellebron's toy boy".

+ It is not appropriate to send Hellebron gifts of moisturiser.

+ When hearing that your superior officer is a highborn from Hag Graef, it is not appropriate to immediately try to count his fingers and toes.

+ Executioners are not to be seconded to the kitchens.

+ Even if they could "slice bread really really quickly".

+ After a battle, it is not permitted to spend three hours looking for matching skulls to complete a set of wine goblets.

+ The prisoner did not fall down the stairs, nor was he killed resisting arrest, or for having inadmissable thoughts about Morathi. Be realistic.

+ Commandeering a Black Ark, extra Helldrakes, six Sorceresses, two Hydra teams, fifteen Shades and the entire Corsair fleet of Karond Kar to bring you back "some of that delicious Bretonnian cheese" is not an appropriate use of a Writ of Iron.

+ Do not get into an argument with your superior officer over how many s's are in Sorceresses. Even if he is wrong.

+ Of course there are female Corsairs.

+ You are not allowed to ask for proof of this.

+ Urian Poisonblade did not die "in a nasty shaving accident".

+ There is still no lizardman conspiracy.
Last edited by Syjahel on Tue Mar 09, 2010 12:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
RIP Group 28
~ We Never Slept ~
User avatar
Calisson
Corsair
Corsair
Posts: 8820
Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2008 10:00 pm
Location: Hag Graef

Post by Calisson »

:lol: Garrison life seems boring indeed.
Original source of inspiration:
Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army
I'll see what I can take from: Gender specialization among DE. Why COK are male?

---

+ Not allowed to teach Cold Ones how to count up to two.

+ Not even to one.

+ Not at all.

+ Not allowed to try to convince Cold Ones that they are Vegetarians.

+ Not allowed to provide mirrors and lipstick to Harpies.

+ Hapies need no manucure either.

+ Hapies are NOT the rejected daughters of Hellebron conceived with her Manticore, so stop spreading this gossip.

+ Not allowed to shave the Manticore.

+ Not allowed to play with slaves. They need both legs and arms to work. And their head, too. With functioning eyes.

+ Not allowed to put an apple on the head of a comrade and then challenge an Executioner to cut the apple.

+ Not allowed to bring slave prostitutes to Executioners for Khaine's birthday. It would be a waste of talents. Any slave would suffice, preferably already ill.

+ Not allowed either to try to sell those prostitutes to Corsairs.

+ If a Corsair tells you the Earth is round, you don't have to believe him. But it is not allowed to mock him in public. Truly, everyone knows that the Earth is flat. The Sea may be round, but certainly not the Earth.

+ Once for all, Repeating Handbows and handweapons are not a yougster's subsitute for Repeater Crossbows and Great Weapons, and Corsairs are not baby Shades.

+ Cease spying Death Hags at noon. By the way, it is the Dance of Doom, not Noon.

+ Never drop leftover witchbrew in a Cauldron.

+ Don't give witchbrew to drink to a hydra, the handlers hate that.

+ Not allowed to ask how WE, being all females, reproduce.

+ Not allowed to discuss about WE's real sexual inclination.

+ The virginity of WE is not to be questioned - nor challenged.

+ The herbs in the assassin's kitchen are not meant to be eaten. Nor given to Dark Steeds.

+ The gender of assassin is mandatory, but must not be verified, it is like their face, it has to remain covered.

+ The chillblade must not be used to make ice cubes. Nor ice cream. Not even strawberry ice cream.

EDIT
Syjahel wrote:+ Do not get into an argument with your superior officer over how many s's are in Sorssseresses. Even if he is wrong.
+ No argument either about asasins' "s".

+ Cold One is a singular, the plural is Cold Ones, nothing else, whatever the number.

+ Don't heat the Cold Ones. Hydra breath is not good for them. They are meant to stay cold, period.

+ No, there is nothing such as a "Hot One" that you might wish to show.

+ There is no "Gold One" either, so stop advertizing for your alleged one.

+ If you did not know why you're forbidden to date with a Witch Elve, there's the reason: she might be an assassin in disguise.

+ Never ask how an assassin manages to hide inside a unit of 5 Witch Elves. That is beyond imagination. Yes, their training is very hard indeed. Yes, sometimes it probably requires dropping male self-esteem.
Last edited by Calisson on Thu Mar 11, 2010 12:10 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Winds never stop blowing, Oceans are borderless. Get a ship and a crew, so the World will be ours! Today the World, tomorrow Nagg! {--|oBrotherhood of the Coast!o|--}
User avatar
Varkin_corvidus
Slave on the Altar
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Aug 18, 2008 11:53 pm
Location: Clar Karond
Contact:

Post by Varkin_corvidus »

+Never tease a Black Dragon. It's just plain silly.

+Not allowed to try and make Black Guard laugh.

+Not allowed to try and make Black Guard smile.

+Just keep away from Black Guard.

+No replacing Lokhir Fellheart's mask with a real octopus.

+Definitely No replacing Lokhir Fellheart's mask with a real Kraken. That's just mean.

+Even if he is a stuck up twit.

+With ideas above his station.

+Screw it. Replace his mask with a Kraken.

+No replacing the blood in Morathi's cauldren with vrasha. Ever.

+Hellebron however is fair game.

+No trying to seduce Harpies.

+No arguing with the above.

+Don't ask.
Life and Death are both inestricably intertwined, yet it's so easy to sever the thread of one's life
User avatar
Jebnus
Trainee Warrior
Posts: 34
Joined: Sun Jan 03, 2010 3:33 am
Location: The Shadow Gallery
Contact:

Post by Jebnus »

+ Don't mess with baby sea dragons...

+ Sea Dragon babies are cute but mean...

+ I still miss my leg!
"And thus I clothe my naked villainy
With old odd ends, stol'n forth of holy writ;
And seem a saint, when most I play the devil."

Image
Bies
Noble
Posts: 454
Joined: Thu Feb 14, 2008 1:53 pm

Post by Bies »

Varkin_Corvidus wrote:+Never tease a Black Dragon. It's just plain silly.



Yes...very silly!
Not another 1...
W/D/L for 2010
40/7/18
User avatar
Meteor
Executioner
Posts: 1956
Joined: Sun Jul 18, 2010 10:57 am
Location: Hell

Post by Meteor »

+ Executioners are not to be seconded to the kitchens.

+ Even if they could "slice bread really really quickly".


+ Not allowed to put an apple on the head of a comrade and then challenge an Executioner to cut the apple.

I like them jokes about Executioners haha
What's mine is mine, What's yours is mine.
Now that we understand each other, lets get down to business.

Jacks -Shade
- WS 5 - - S 3 - - T 2 - - D 6 - - I 5 -

Equipment
Short Sword, MC Long Sword*, Dagger, RxB & RHB [20/10] MC Shade Cloak, 4 Throwing Daggers, 3x Healing Vials, 451C, [3]Dark Venom, [4]Unseen Chains, Food, Dark Steed- Spike

Skills
Basic Stealth, Awareness, TWF, Suithenlu Khythan, Ride

Magic Item
Eye of the Jabberwock

*Magical properties possibly imbued
User avatar
Noble korhedron
Empire General
Posts: 1213
Joined: Thu May 06, 2004 3:37 pm
Location: Leinster, Ireland

Post by Noble korhedron »

Oh man, I'm laughed so hard at this, I'm subscribing to the thread!!
Regards,

NK.


http://ulthuan.net/forum
http://warhammer.org.uk/phpBB/index.php
http://warhammer-empire.com/theforum/index.php
http://www.bartertown.com/trading/index.php

Give me a sense of humor Lord. Give me the grace to see a joke.
To get some humor out of life and pass it on to other folk.
User avatar
Drainial
Prophet of Tzeentch
Prophet of Tzeentch
Posts: 4641
Joined: Fri May 19, 2006 3:51 pm
Location: I am the voice inside your head

Post by Drainial »

+ Not allowed to hard boil black dragon eggs, even if they do taste better that way.
+ Dragon egg omelettes are also banned.
+ In fact just keep the dragon eggs out of the kitchen.
+ Even if belching fire is a great way to fry the bacon.
Moding a group of Druchii.net players is much like directing the musical 'Cats' using actual cats. Frustrating, difficult, chaotic but ultimatley satisfying and a great deal of fun.

Arch Deacon of the RPG forum
Gentleman of Moderation
User avatar
Saintofm
Malekith's Best Friend
Posts: 1755
Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2011 2:28 am
Location: California

Post by Saintofm »

+ It is never a good idea to ask a Sorceress nor Witch Elf how old they are.
+ When it comes to questions about age, 160 is always the right answer.
+ Even when we're talking about Moratrhi
+ When Accusing a Sorceress of something, the words "She turned me into a newt" and followed by "I got Better" should not be uttered.
+ I'm not allowed to cover the Dreadlord's favorite slave in catnip and force him or her to go past the manticore stall.
+ The Sorceress can be as late as she pleases, you better be on time and picking up the tab if you do not want to be turned into a newt.
Just because the Witch Elves and Berserkers of Khaine go to battle in nothing more loin cloths and Rhunes of Khaine, there is no reason I should.
+ I am not to hit on the Senior staff, period.
+ The world will not come to an end if I do not have a romantic night with someone.
+ If I think it's a smart idea, I must seek console the wisest warrior scholar or Supreme sorceress at hand. If my idea makes them cry, I am to reconsider how smart my idea was.
+ I am to stop sending whoever is my one true love the skulls and entrails of my enemies. Flowers and a puppy work just as well.
+ If I think of something and it makes me laugh maniacally longer than it takes the falling sands of an egg timer to stop, I am to assume I am not allowed think about it.
Who needs sanity? I have a Hydra
User avatar
Syjahel
Malekith's Best Friend
Posts: 1269
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2009 3:15 am
Location: UK

Post by Syjahel »

+ If I think it's a smart idea, I must seek console the wisest warrior scholar or Supreme sorceress at hand. If my idea makes them cry, I am to reconsider how smart my idea was.
+ I am to stop sending whoever is my one true love the skulls and entrails of my enemies. Flowers and a puppy work just as well.
+ If I think of something and it makes me laugh maniacally longer than it takes the falling sands of an egg timer to stop, I am to assume I am not allowed think about it.


:D I love these in particular! And thank you Drainial, now I want a bacon sandwich :p



+ While aiming high might make a crossbow shot go further, aiming straight up does not guarantee it will go "practically forever".

+ Hydras can indeed run uphill, and I am not allowed to ask new recruits to help me test this.

+ Playing 'Spot the Assassin' is not a suitable game for livening up boring guard duty.

+ Especially if my guesses turn out to be wrong.

+ Even more so if they turn out to be right.
RIP Group 28
~ We Never Slept ~
User avatar
Syjahel
Malekith's Best Friend
Posts: 1269
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2009 3:15 am
Location: UK

Post by Syjahel »

+ I am never to answer queries as to my health with the phrase "NEED BETTER HOST BODY". Black Guard are not known for their sense of humour.

+ "If you can't be good, be good at hiding the evidence" is not an acceptable unit motto.

+ Nor is it permissible to express a desire to "wear some other colour than black, maybe something brighter and more cheerful". This is not an acceptable way to improve unit morale, and nor does it serve to confound the enemy.

+ Although it might.

+ However it might also confound one's own side and no, friendly fire is not a warm hug from a flame-based spellcaster.

+ Dressing Black Guard in white is still not a subtle form of psychological warfare.

+ There is also no Saurian Conspiracy.
RIP Group 28
~ We Never Slept ~
User avatar
Drainial
Prophet of Tzeentch
Prophet of Tzeentch
Posts: 4641
Joined: Fri May 19, 2006 3:51 pm
Location: I am the voice inside your head

Post by Drainial »

+ 'Wow look at the legs on her!' is not an appropriate prayer to Khaine, not even to Slaanesh
+Nor is 'cor blimy you don't get many of them to the pound' a time honoured way of asking the hag queen for a benediction.
+Even if you wouldn't.
+in fact especially if you wouldn't.
+A war scream does not sound better in harmony, I must not instruct new recruits to the contrary.
+No kind of scream sounds better in harmony, I must not dare the torturers to prove otherwise.
Moding a group of Druchii.net players is much like directing the musical 'Cats' using actual cats. Frustrating, difficult, chaotic but ultimatley satisfying and a great deal of fun.

Arch Deacon of the RPG forum
Gentleman of Moderation
User avatar
Saintofm
Malekith's Best Friend
Posts: 1755
Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2011 2:28 am
Location: California

Post by Saintofm »

*I am not to use an assassin's dagger as a shaving implement.
*A juicy steak attached to a stick does make making coldones go faster when held infront of them, but also harder to stop.
*When laying siege to a enemy fortification, flinging coldone poo is not an acceptable way to use a captured stone thrower.
*Twilight Sprinkles is not an appropriate name for a Black Dragon.
*I am not allowed to dissect a captured dwarf to see how many livers they have.
*I am not allowed to take anything that explodes as payment for a raid, even if it is in my allowed loot for the raid.
*The term "using your head" does not imply grabbing an underling and using him as a battering ram.
*No matter how many beans the hydra ate, it is never a good idea to see how big a flame it will make when it farts.
*Even if it can burn down an enemy fortification.
Who needs sanity? I have a Hydra
User avatar
Syjahel
Malekith's Best Friend
Posts: 1269
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2009 3:15 am
Location: UK

Post by Syjahel »

+ In times of peace, however hateful it may be, do not substitute strawberry syrup for blood in the Cauldron. No-one wants to see Maibd on a sugar rush.

+ This is also another reason not to send Maibd flowers and chocolates.
RIP Group 28
~ We Never Slept ~
User avatar
Sulphunet
Dark Rider
Posts: 129
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 3:06 pm
Location: Canada

Post by Sulphunet »

+Never, under any circumstance, say "Praise the Old Ones" This will result in banishment to Lustria, or maybe execution.
+Actually, just execution. We can't use strawberry syrup for a replacement as blood in a cauldron
Success is measured in blood. Either yours, or your enemy's.

Image
User avatar
Saintofm
Malekith's Best Friend
Posts: 1755
Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2011 2:28 am
Location: California

Post by Saintofm »

*Never ever give cold ones courva [Warhamer equivalent of caffine].
*Never splice Witch Brew with courva.
*I am forbidden to consume or handle courva.
*If it is bigger than I am, I may not keep it as a pet.
*If it spits venom or emits a noxious gas, I may not keep it as a pet.
*I must restrain my natural inclination to stop and say , "awwww, how adorable" every time I see a monster lay waste to my fellow warriors.
Who needs sanity? I have a Hydra
User avatar
Smiler666
Highborn
Posts: 618
Joined: Wed Jun 08, 2011 9:30 am
Location: The Colonies

Post by Smiler666 »

- the executioners do not "just need a hug"
- dibs is not the official method of selecting drachaus
- even if you called it first
- the hydra doesnt need a hug either
- convincing the shades otherwise is strictly forbidden, even if they are easy to trick
- if it has more teeth than your entire regiment combined, kill it. No exeptions. And definitely dont feed it cookies. Or other members of your unit.
Opus vos liberaverit
User avatar
Drainial
Prophet of Tzeentch
Prophet of Tzeentch
Posts: 4641
Joined: Fri May 19, 2006 3:51 pm
Location: I am the voice inside your head

Post by Drainial »

+I must not taunt Eltharion on getting caught hiding like a girl and being blinded, GW says we have to be nice to him
+I must not punch Eltharion in the face for leading a raid into Naggaroth despite being blind and re-growing his eyes, GW says we have to be nice to him.
+I must not complement Eltharion on re-growing his eyes or leading raids in Naggaroth, Malekith says we are not allowed to be nice to him.

+I must not resurrect Urian poisenblade; time is not malleable, not for bad guys anyway.
+I must not refer to the glorious Druchii as 'bad guys', everyone knows we have more exquisite ways to kill than everyone else, that make us good.

+Moon walking towards the enemy will not convince them that I am running away and so give me the element of surprise.
+I am not allowed to actually run away from the enemy in order to gain the element of surprise.

+If I am commanded by a superior to get the door I am to understand that the door itself is to remain on its hinges.
+If I am commanded by an inferior to get the door I am still to understand that the door is to remain on its hinges, though the inferior's head need not necessarily stay on its shoulders.

+I may not do the fandango.
Moding a group of Druchii.net players is much like directing the musical 'Cats' using actual cats. Frustrating, difficult, chaotic but ultimatley satisfying and a great deal of fun.

Arch Deacon of the RPG forum
Gentleman of Moderation
User avatar
Malus99
Scourge
Scourge
Posts: 656
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 9:05 am
Location: A torture dungeon in Suffolk

Post by Malus99 »

Drainial wrote:+If I am commanded by a superior to get the door I am to understand that the door itself is to remain on its hinges.


Baldrick, you had better make the explanation you are about to give, phenomenally good.

:lol:
Veni, Vidi, Voro!!!

All things perish, this is the law of existence, accept your suffering and your mortality, only by using this truth, can you transcend it.
User avatar
Noble korhedron
Empire General
Posts: 1213
Joined: Thu May 06, 2004 3:37 pm
Location: Leinster, Ireland

Post by Noble korhedron »

Malus99 wrote:
Drainial wrote:+If I am commanded by a superior to get the door I am to understand that the door itself is to remain on its hinges.


Baldrick, you had better make the explanation you are about to give, phenomenally good.

:lol:
I think his message is a simple caveat to not take one's orders literally - i.e. "Get the door", meaning "Open the door, underling!" not "Bring me the door!"! :lol:
Regards,

NK.


http://ulthuan.net/forum
http://warhammer.org.uk/phpBB/index.php
http://warhammer-empire.com/theforum/index.php
http://www.bartertown.com/trading/index.php

Give me a sense of humor Lord. Give me the grace to see a joke.
To get some humor out of life and pass it on to other folk.
User avatar
Syjahel
Malekith's Best Friend
Posts: 1269
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2009 3:15 am
Location: UK

Post by Syjahel »

It's a quote from Blackadder. The TV series and source of many awesome quotes for all occasions :D
RIP Group 28
~ We Never Slept ~
User avatar
Syjahel
Malekith's Best Friend
Posts: 1269
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2009 3:15 am
Location: UK

Post by Syjahel »

+I may not do the fandango.


Is a tango ever acceptable?
RIP Group 28
~ We Never Slept ~
User avatar
Saintofm
Malekith's Best Friend
Posts: 1755
Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2011 2:28 am
Location: California

Post by Saintofm »

*I may not use the slave ogres as a way to dispose of evidence.
* especially if I claim my superior officer did it.
*Even if what he shoved down their throat made them explode.
*I am not to take bets if the stone thrower will hit my unit's champion.
*"Free Beer and Pretzels" is not a battle cry to be used while storming a dwarvan stronghold.
*Old meat hardly fit for a cold one's stomach is not suitable armor for new recruits.
*I may not complain about the food at the mess tent, even if it is glowing, and very much alive.
*I will not refure to the Dreadlord's Pegasus as "Rainbow Dash."
Who needs sanity? I have a Hydra
User avatar
Drainial
Prophet of Tzeentch
Prophet of Tzeentch
Posts: 4641
Joined: Fri May 19, 2006 3:51 pm
Location: I am the voice inside your head

Post by Drainial »

+ I may not use my breast plate as a soup pan.
+ I am not to laugh at the sorceress' pink cold one.
+ I am not to paint cold ones pink.
+ I am not to paint cold ones, at all.
+ I Hakseer in Brettonia is not to be referred to as a 'booze cruse'.
+ There are no circumstances in which wearing the head of a cow is acceptable.
+ I am not to respond to rejection with sticking anything where the sun don't shine.
+ Even if specifically ordered to do so.
+ A Dranach and a toasting fork are not 'basically the same thing'.
+ Neither rain drops on roses nor whiskers on kittens are permitted to be listed amongst my favourite things.
+ Moraithy is not a very tall shaven dwarf.
+ There is no dwarven conspiracy.
Moding a group of Druchii.net players is much like directing the musical 'Cats' using actual cats. Frustrating, difficult, chaotic but ultimatley satisfying and a great deal of fun.

Arch Deacon of the RPG forum
Gentleman of Moderation
User avatar
Syjahel
Malekith's Best Friend
Posts: 1269
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2009 3:15 am
Location: UK

Post by Syjahel »

+ I Hakseer in Brettonia is not to be referred to as a 'booze cruse'.
+ I am not to respond to rejection with sticking anything where the sun don't shine.
+ Even if specifically ordered to do so.
+ A Dranach and a toasting fork are not 'basically the same thing'.


:D But to go with that delicious Bretonnian cheese, we will need toast!

Where the sun doesn't shine ... Hag Graef?? :p


+ Cold One Chariots do not require fluffy dice.

+ Witch Elves are not 'cheerleaders for Khaine'.

+ Not even with severed heads for pompoms.

+ No, it is not possible to plait the necks of Hydras and it really upsets the Beastmasters if you try.

+ Making the Beastmasters cry is wrong.

+ No, they are not just being too sensitive.

+ Telling new recruits that the best way to get a promotion is to stand next to the Sorceress when she's casting, especially 'when she has that pretty shiny dagger out' is also wrong.

+ Effective, yes, but wrong.
RIP Group 28
~ We Never Slept ~
Post Reply